A Guide for Parents: Ten Tips for Talking with Children About Terrorism
By: Timothy H. Warneka, M.Ed., LPCC
As much as we try and protect our children from traumatic events, it is probably not an exaggeration to say that almost every child in America was exposed to the horrible events of terrorism that captured our attention on Tuesday. Many of us are struggling with our own reactions to these painful events, and it can be very difficult to support our children emotionally while we ourselves are trying to cope with strong emotions. We want to describe some simple things to keep in mind while you are talking to your child about Tuesday’s tragedy. The main goal in talking to children about tragedy is helping them to feel that the world is a safe place.
1. It’s not always WHAT you say, it’s HOW you say it.
Modulate your response with children. If you are feeling intense emotions about Tuesday’s tragedy, then now is NOT the time to talk with your children. Take care of yourself first. Talk over your feelings with a spouse, friend or therapist. If you are overcome with emotion, your child will pick up on that, and she will only become more frightened. Once you feel like you are more in control of your emotions, then you can talk about feelings with your child. It is fine to share some of your feelings. For example, you can let your child know that you feel sad for the children and families who have been touched by Tuesday’s tragedy. When you do share your feelings with your child, it is also important that you share simple strategies that you use to deal with your feelings. Using the example above, you might say something to your child like: "When I feel sad like that, it helps me to think about how my family and friends are safe, and it’s my job to help keep you safe."
2. Comfort, Comfort & Comfort
Appropriate physical contact can be VERY soothing for a child who is feeling frightened or nervous. When you begin to talk to your child, bring him onto your lap and place your arms around him. Or sit next to him on the couch with your arm around him. Or have him stand in front of you while you are sitting and hold both of his hands in yours. Do whatever feels comfortable for both you and your child. If you talk about safety with your arms around your child, then he will not only have a verbal experience of safety, but he will also have a much deeper experience of physical safety. (Just remember to make physical contact only AFTER you have dealt appropriately with your own emotions (see Tip #1, above). Children are very sensitive and pick up a great deal about your emotional state from physical contact. Touching a child when you are anxious will only serve to make the child more anxious.) Verbal comforting is equally important. As parents, it is important to continually demonstrate to children in word and deed that our main job is keeping them safe. Remind your child of the other adults in their lives who also share that job: teachers, doctors, police, etc. Reassure them that adults who love and care surround them. If your child asks you a question that you can’t answer, be honest. And continue to reassure them that you will keep them safe.
3. LISTEN to your child
Don’t lecture. Give your child room to talk about his fears. In the face of tragedy, a common mistake that many parents make is to over-explain a fact or detail of an event to a child. Lecturing a child about a traumatic event is usually more about taking care of ourselves than about listening to the child. (If you find yourself lecturing and explaining things too much to your child, go back and re-read Tip #1, above) Try and ask you child open-ended questions, such as, "How did you feel when your friends told you about the airplane crashing into the building?" Ask a question, and then truly LISTEN to your child. You can show your child that you are attending to them by re-phrasing what you hear your child say, and then repeating it back to them. An example of this would be, "So it sounds to me like you felt pretty scared when you heard Jimmy tell you about the plane crash. Is that right?" Make sure you leave room for your child to be able to ask his questions.
4. Give Your Child Room to Ask Questions
Children are curious by nature. So it is natural that your child might have many questions about Tuesday’s tragedy. As you are talking to your child, pause from time to time and ask, "Do you have any questions?" or "What do you think about what I just said?". Take time to LISTEN to your child’s questions (See Tip #3, above). And respond to your child at a level that is appropriate for your child’s age and developmental level. Many times children cannot fully articulate a question that they have. In that case, it pays to take time to explore the fear or concern that your child has that lies behind the question. Common fears that children have when they are faced with trauma include: worrying that the bad event will happen again; worrying that someone they love will be hurt or killed; and worrying that they will be either left alone or somehow separated from the family. Again, careful listening pays off. After listening to your child, you might say something like, "It sounds like you are worried that mommy or I might get hurt by those bad men? Is that right?" And then provide comfort, comfort & more comfort!
Remember that it is also normal for a child not to ask many questions about a traumatic event. Every child, like every adult, is going to handle stressful situations in their own, slightly unique way.
5. Keep it Simple
Keep your response short and sweet. A common rule of thumb is — the younger the child, the more simple the answer needs to be. When my three-and-a-half year old daughter asked me, "Why did those bad men hurt those people?" I responded with, "Those bad men made really bad choices to hurt those people." To which she replied, "They sure did."
6. Limit the Media (or turn it off altogether)
During a televised crisis, the intense, stern or often worried voice of the television commentator combined with the oft-repeated viewings of the tragedy is a certain recipe for anxiety and worry in your child. As much as you may want to hear about the tragedy that has occurred, use discretion about watching television or the listening to the radio around your children. And if you do expose your children to the media, be prepared to take extra time to talk to and listen to your child about what she has just seen.
7. Understand that supporting your child is a process
Finally, remember that supporting your child and helping her feel safe is an on-going process. Some children, like some adults, may have questions or concerns about an event long after the event is over. Listen, reassure and comfort them. Other children may talk about a subject once, and never bring it up again. Either way that a child deals with a traumatic situation can be normal and healthy. Don’t view talking about Tuesday’s tragedy as a one-time event with your child. It is better to view it as an on-going discussion, and take the necessary cues from your child about what he needs.
8. Keep the Routine Going
Children of all ages thrive on consistency. For your child’s sake, it is important to return to your normal family routine as soon as possible after a tragedy. Children find the normal routine — family dinner hour; bedtime stories and the like — to be very comforting. If your child is home from school for a day or more, then it is best to use whatever schedule your family uses on the weekend.
9. Do Something Positive
One way that people gain mastery over a tragedy is to do something positive, if even in a small way (like writing a newsletter!). Consider donating time, money or other resources that can in some way help out the victims of Tuesday’s tragedy. See below for one possible recipient of donations — the American Red Cross. Or listen to the media. In the coming days, it is likely that the media will continue to announce what types of resources are needed and where to send them. And then involve your child in the process. Perhaps your child can donate clothes or toys that she no longer is using. Even very small children can help prepare a box of toys to be sent to other children. Or, as a family, forego ice cream or some other treat, and send the money to an appropriate place to benefit the victims. Helping others can go a long way toward helping ourselves and our children deal with painful feelings.
10. Use Play and/or Humor
Many children may be unable to unwilling to talk about a traumatic event for a variety of reasons. Many children respond very well to play — puppets, painting or role playing — sprinkled with liberal amounts of humor. Other children may want to draw and/or color. Follow your child’s lead. Don’t be surprised if strong feelings such as anger or fear come out during the playtime. This can be a normal and healthy way for children to discharge their emotions. For example, once when my daughter was frightened by an event that had happened to her, she spent a good deal of time drawing pictures…. and then ripping them up! When done appropriately (i.e., the right time and place), ripping and tearing can be a great way for children to manage fear and anxiety.
Using humor can be a natural, healthy way to manage strong feelings. Humor must be used appropriately, however. Laughing AT a tragedy is never appropriate, and is not something that you want your children to learn. Avoid the use of "dark" or "gallows" humor with children — it only serves to confuse them. Humor that is used light-heartedly can be a very powerful healing experience to deal with trauma.
Action & Effort
One of the ways that trauma can effect us is that it can debilitate us. Overwhelming events can cause us to freeze, and to feel helpless and powerless. Trauma is often dealt with by feeling hopeless, powerless and taking action. One way to take action in a positive way (as described in Tip #9, above) in this tragedy is to support the Red Cross; either by donating blood or money for the benefit of those Americans who’s lives were directly impacted by this tragedy.
You can contact your local Red Cross Chapter through this link:
http://www.redcross.org/where/chapts.html
You can donate blood through this link:
http://www.redcross.org/donate/give/
And you can donate on-line to the Red Cross through this link:
http://www.redcross.org/donate/donate.html
Another possible site for information about donating resources is:
http://www.helping.org/promos/cs_wtc.adp
About the author Timothy H. Warneka, M.Ed., LPCC has 9 years experience as a psychotherapist in outpatient work with traumatized children. Mr. Warneka is President of Cleveland Therapists, Ltd. (www.clevelandtherapists.com), a web site that provides information for finding mental health professionals in the Greater Cleveland, Ohio area. Mr. Warneka is also the President of Psyche & Soma Consulting, Ltd. (www.clevelandtherapists.com/psyche-and-soma.html), an organization that offers education and consultation on conflict resolution and psychotherapeutic approaches based upon the Japanese martial art of Aikido ("The Way of Harmony"). Mr. Warneka can be reached by e-mail at: tim@clevelandtherapists.com or by phone at 440/944-4746.
Copyright c2001 Cleveland Therapists, Ltd. www.clevelandtherpists.com
Back to Trauma Main Page
State Home Page | OCDRCM Home |
The Commission | Updates | Useful Resources
