"Loaded" Words "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." How many times have you heard this? Do you believe it? "Loaded" words are words that are likely to incite a conflict because they are hurtful and usually cause a negative or defensive reaction. Conflict management programs teach students to recognize loaded words and to be aware of their impact.   "I" Statements "I" statements are familiar to most teachers, but many teachers are reluctant to use them because they seem artificial and stilted. An "I" statement is a way to analyze and reframe a situation. The traditional formula is: I feel __________ (put a name on the emotion and claim it) when __________ (formulate a nonjudgmental description of the behavior) because __________ (describe the tangible effects of the behavior). More important than using the statement is the process students must go through to formulate it. Speaking in "I" statements helps students take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. Working through the statement gives students clarity about their feelings and the situation that provoked those feelings. "I" statements are a conflict management technique because they require individuals involved in a conflict to put space between their action and their reaction. This allows the individuals to take time to get in touch with their feelings and to choose an appropriate response instead of reacting spontaneously. Although using "I" statements can be uncomfortable at first, they are effective and using them gets easier with time because students learn how to adapt the statements so that they sound natural and still incorporate all the necessary elements. Modeling "I" statements for students is important. You may want to stop in the midst of a "you" statement and struggle in front of the students to formulate an "I" statement. This will show the students that you think "I" statements are important and that it is natural to struggle to learn something new. Students will also begin to notice a difference in how they feel when being the recipient of an "I" statement versus a "you" statement. Nonverbal Communication Skills Do actions really speak louder than words? If a person says "this is really important to me" and rolls her eyes at the same time, do you believe her verbal or nonverbal cues? If someone says he has time to talk to you now, but he continues to erase the chalkboard, organize his desk and gather books to take home, do you believe his verbal or nonverbal cues? Research has indicated that most people believe nonverbal cues (also referred to as body language) over verbal cues when the two cues are inconsistent with each other. This seems to be especially true in conflict situations. People involved in a conflict tend to pay close attention to the body language, voice inflections, and word choice of others involved in the conflict. Body language is often a major cause for rapid escalation of conflicts. If we expect students to communicate and manage conflict effectively, they must possess good nonverbal communication skills. Active Listening Listening is hard work and requires more than sitting and looking at a person while he/she talks. Active listening is a term used to refer to a set of listening skills that includes good body language, listening, asking questions, and summarizing facts and feelings. Active listening also requires the listener to select a time and location that is conducive to good communication, to reduce the number of internal and external distractions, to avoid making assumptions and to refrain from giving advice. Most of us have experienced the frustration of trying to work out a conflict with a person who is not willing or capable of listening. These individuals are probably distracted from listening because they are reacting out of anger, trying to prove themselves to be right, trying to place blame on others, or formulating their next argument. Fortunately, most of us have also encountered people we consider to be good listeners. Often we consider them such because they listen attentively, exhibit good body language, summarize the facts, acknowledge your feelings, ask clarifying questions, and avoid giving unwanted advice. Active listening is an important skill for managing conflict. In a conflict situation, a listener who asks clarifying questions and summarizes facts and feelings enables the speaker to feel that he/she has been given a chance to be heard. Many conflicts are resolved simply by active listening because the parties realize the conflict is simply a misunderstanding. Even when a true disagreement exists, individuals who are given an opportunity to have their perspective heard, are much more likely to be committed to achieving a win-win solution. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and misperceptions can cause conflicts to escalate quickly. If individuals employ active listening skills in the early stages of a conflict, they increase their chances of a quick resolution. Different Perceptions Is the glass half empty or half full? Did Rhonda give Darrell a dirty look or not? Conflict is natural because people perceive things differently. To resolve conflicts effectively people must be willing to acknowledge, but not necessarily agree with, another person's perception. To do this an individual involved in a conflict must be willing to momentarily set aside his/her own perception and feelings to accurately hear the perception, feelings and needs of another person. Acknowledging that different perceptions exist may allow disputing individuals to find common ground and work toward a resolution. Appreciation of Differences Miscommunication can result from missing and/or misinformation about other cultural groups. Reading a lack of eye-contact as disrespect is one example of how misinterpretation can result from a lack of awareness of cultural differences. CURRICULUM INDEX
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